Recently while at a brunch with my best friend she told me something related to her marriage. She has been happily married for 7 years now, a love marriage, and they have a one-year-old son. But, ever since her child’s birth, she and husband haven’t had sex.
If you see them, they are a “perfect couple” in every aspect. Both are healthy adults in their late 30s, with successful, corporate careers, and very much in love. Initially what she assumed was tiredness over their hectic lives as new parents, is something that is now causing her to question her marriage as it has become a part of their relationship.
She even tried to initiate sex with her husband on occasions, only to be met with standard responses we have all heard in movies and series, “I am tired” or “I have a headache” or “some other time maybe.” But she is fearful of taking up the conversation with him directly because she wonders what if it leads to exposing an issue that causes their relationship and marriage to fall apart.
Talking of sexless marriage got me thinking of a reddit thread a while back that had made its way to Twitter (now X) where a woman had posted – “The first [several] years of our marriage we had an amazing sex life … and as he got older (he’s 30 now), he just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.”
Usually when you think of sex fizzling out of a relationship or “sexless marriage” you assume an older couple in their 50s and above. Not couples in their 30s and 40s. But if you deep dive a little more into it, it is truly more common than we realize. With sex being a very personal matter between couples, it is also a very hush-hush topic for a country like ours. So obviously we don’t hear about this very often. But in reality, though not the most important, but sex is an important part of a relationship.
Are sexless marriages truly turning into a rising concern for Indian couples?
“The rate of unhappy marriages due to lack of sex are definitely on the rise in Indian couples,” observes Richa Hora, a relationship and marriage expert and founder of Metaanoi. Richa herself has been counseling couples with similar issues recently. “In the good old times of our grandparents’ and parents’ generation, sex was purely for reproduction. ‘Pleasure’ wasn’t a word that existed, at least in the dictionary of women back then. But the expectation is now almost the opposite. And when you can’t live up to it, something feels wrong,” says Richa.
Dr Rachna Khanna Singh, a well-known relationship expert and marriage counselor, says, “Sexless marriages are a serious issue for many couples, causing severe mental suffering, feelings of rejection, and general marital discontent. In a society where marital harmony and family values are highly valued, a lack of sexual intimacy may be very distressing, affecting not just the couple but also the broader family dynamic.”
Definitely the issue is there and it is on rise as well. Delhi High Court as a part of its judgment in a divorce case where the husband sought divorce on the grounds of sex between the couple, even stated that sex-starved marriages are becoming an “undeniable epidemic.”
But why is it so? What is the reason behind sexless marriages?
“Sexless marriages are common and on the rise for majority of couples in their 30’s and mostly working class , where both partners are providers,” says Expert Richa Hora. But why and how? This is something we asked the relationship experts, psychiatrists and couples around us what is the reason why sex is increasingly fizzling out of marriages.
#1. Demanding Lifestyle – Modern fast pace lives are increasingly demanding, be it in terms of time or work. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is becoming increasingly difficult for many couples, especially in families where both partners are working full-time.
#2. Technology and social media – Another common reason pointed out by the experts is the increasing amount of time spent on gadgets, especially smartphones, and on social media, which is taking away from the personal time of couples.
#3. Co-parenting responsibilities – Parenting responsibilities coupled with increasing single family units, especially when kids are young, can leave couples exhausted and fatigued.
#4. Health issues – Our current lifestyles are leaving us susceptible to an increasing number of health issues such as hormonal changes, obesity, diabetes, stress, etc. that leave an impact on sexual interest and performance.
Marriage counselor, Dr. Rachna Khanna Singh, also the founder of The Mind & Wellness Studio, adds another insightful point, “Varying sleep patterns can disrupt opportunities for intimacy, leading to reduced sexual connection. Sleep disorders such as sleep apnea or snoring can create physical barriers to sharing a bed and intimacy.”
Now we know that sexless marriage is certainly a growing concern, and some common reasons behind it as well. But where does one go from here? What does it mean for the couple and their relationship?
Does sexless marriage means the end of love?
Pop-culture (movies and TV Shows) has often shown us that when sex goes out of a relationship it usually means that one of the partner has fallen out of love or hints at infidelity in some cases. Recent Netflix movie “Sharmajee Ki Beti” (directed by Tahira Kashyap) showed a nuanced and mature take on how lack of intimacy (both physical and emotional, in this case) between a couple was a sign of their failing relationship.
Isn’t this why couples now try extra hard to not let the sizzle fizzle out of the relationship? Pick up popular lifestyle magazines (globally) and you will definitely find an article related to sex in it – “How to keep sex alive in your marriage?” Or “Ways to Spice up your bedroom life.” Or “How to keep the spark going.” From what to wear to role play to toys and even the involvement of food, you will find all sorts of tips all over the Internet.
“The biggest misconceptions about sexless marriages is that something is wrong with one partner’s libido or that they are falling out of love,” says Richa Hora.
Every relationship goes through different stages. How you navigate through each phase is on your relationship dynamic and bond. In between all this, how much and what kind of importance does sex play in it, is for you to identify.
“At times, with maturity of the relationship sexual frequency changes with each stage of the relationship. It’s about quality over quantity, and each couple’s needs are different or unique. With this understanding marriage can grow into the depth and maturity phase, marked by profound, good understanding and enduring love,” adds Richa.
Then again, there are many individuals for whom sex is an important part of their bond. Physical intimacy is as important as emotional intimacy for some, and there is nothing wrong in wanting that. But it is equally crucial to realize that sexless marriage doesn’t mean unhappy marriage or end of love.
Coping with sexless marriages
If you find yourself in a low-sex or no-sex marriage, it is important for you to first analyze what it means for you in terms of the other aspects of your relationship. Identify and acknowledge the issue, and ask yourself – Do you consider it to be a problem?
As soon as you identify the problem and the growing gap in your relationship, it is important to have an open and clear communication with your partner.
Our Relationship Experts share their advice on what couples can do if they find themselves in a sexless marriage –
Dr Rachna Singh says, “Couples who find themselves in a sexless marriage can cope by communicating openly and honestly, rekindling romance by spending quality time together, addressing physical health issues and adopting a healthier lifestyle, practicing stress-relief techniques, setting realistic expectations for their sexual relationship and seeking professional help from marriage counselors or sex therapists.”
Richa Hora says, “Talk openly to each other about your likes and dislikes and desires and needs and help your partner identify theirs. If there is a physical problem then they need to connect with a sexologist. And, if there is love, intimacy and understanding issues they must connect with a marriage/relationship coach to resolve the issue with guidance and better understanding of each other.”
Another way to handle being in a sexless marriage is to not compare. Do not compare your marriage with others, as every relationship is unique. There is no right or wrong amount of sex for a couple given in a relationship guidebook.
If you wish to get that spark back in your relationship, do it at a pace that feels comfortable for you and your partner. Small things like going out on dates or planning a vacation, giving each other massages, cuddling, etc. can also go a long way at times. It is about quality time and effort to reconnect.
If it doesn’t work, then it is best to consider couple counseling to seek some expert guidance from marriage counselors to help you understand the issue and each other, as well as help you get through it.
You are not alone in this journey, a relationship is between two people and both need to be equally committed to work through the issues that come in it.
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