This is a Guest Opinion Blog Post. Trigger Warning: Abuse!
First, a smattering of my “abuse” experiences:
My introduction to how a man’s sexual organ looks came from an old man who would call me paappaa (doll-child) and stroke himself at a distance to get his high!
As a young teenager, I was abused by a doctor in the presence of my mother in the same room, behind the privacy curtain under the pretext of “examination”!
I have been sexually abused as a child and as a teenager… and as an adult! The abuses were perpetrated in many cases by unknown men, e.g., groping on public transport! Some, I bravely fought… and some others, I simply gave up on, as i could not stand up for myself fearing a repeat of the consequences that I had to face in some of the former instances.
I have been emotionally/sexually taunted in the presence of other nearer family members by my own relative after my divorce and choice of another partner.
I have felt equally violated by the emotional abuse of a man keeping on looking/ glaring at me and making me uncomfortable! So, this is not just about cases of physical or verbal abuse!
Experiences we all quietly share…
I am sure many women must have gone through similar experiences!
The problem here is that all of us (have been taught to) get shamed easily… and suppress our stories by blaming ourselves…
We (have learnt to) question our ways of dressing, the ways we talk, the ways we deal with/ address various life situations…
Recently, what shook me was a random lady messaging me, asking about a certain experience that I shared: “How can being made to sit on someone’s lap be considered sexual abuse?” she asked me in all innocence! When I explained how one of my abusers used that as the way to abuse me… she suddenly became all silent… and could only simply say, “thank u!”
This lady is maybe in her 60s… and my reply perhaps triggered a long-suppressed memory (or two) and she went all silent, recognizing the lie that she has lived, all these years… It is all such a humongous tragedy!
Like this, many women and children — and even men — shut down their lives, their freedom… fearing the consequences of standing up for themselves… thereby making these predators stronger!
It’s time we stand for each other… and at least start talking freely about this underexposed underbelly of life!
But, what can we do?
There are a few things that I have started doing over the last few years of my healing that have helped me help others who have been through similar experiences; ironically also helping me slowly start living my own life uninfluenced (or at least far less influenced) by my past trauma! My advice, in the light of what has helped me, is as follows:
To Women:
- Please own whatever you (choose to) wear. Do not fear short dresses, crop tops, or any pieces of attire that make you feel beautiful.
- Please wear lipstick & make-up, or no make-up at all… All of these are your personal life-choices and no one has the right to disapprove of, or harm you in any way, merely for choosing what makes you feel beautiful…
- Mothers: please talk to your daughters about such incidents of rape, sexual abuse, molestation… (Please get over your own sense of shame and the cringe factor at perhaps having been the victim of such instances yourself in the past, lest this same shame silently affect your daughters’ lives, too!) Let this awareness start from home!
- Allow your daughters to be comfortable in their skin, with their shape… Trust me, if just this can be achieved, it is enough for them to be themselves and not be vulnerable to seeking validation from outside themselves!
- Let more women go out!!! When u tell your own kids to fear for themselves and stay indoors… you kill their confidence!
- Talk about your own abuse (if any) with your peers, rather than suppress it (and then end up putting down other women for their life choices)!! Remember: Your story gives power to another!
To Men:
- Stop (over)protecting “your” women (be they related to you in any way), thinking that they can’t take care of themselves! Rather, protect them by teaching (and allowing) them to protect themselves.
- Stop abusing women, period! Your judgment of any woman becomes a silent fetter of self-judgment that debilitates the women that you (purport to) care for!
- Before you objectify any woman: Please understand that this comes from seeing yourself as not “good enough” for them… That’s the only reason you feel compelled to talk dirty about them, or pass derisive remarks about them, in the vain attempt to feel “superior” to the one who is otherwise “unattainable”!
I would love to know your points of view, and of course, please feel free to share your stories here! Let the awareness spread… and let it be known loud and clear that we have each other’s backs!
Also Read: Expert Take – 7 Rules to remember when dealing with marital conflicts
This is a Guest Opinion Blog Post written by Gayathri Dileepan, a counsellor, personal coach, writer and a singer. She is also the mother of four, a role that she cherishes most!